I think about doing cosmetic treatments but feel guilty. I always put my family first, but my husband keeps telling me not to feel bad for wanting to put myself first for a change. How do people get around feeling guilty?
Anon, Riverhead.
Parental guilt is real for parents, so it is entirely understandable you feel this way. We always put our family first and so naturally feel as if we don’t deserve the same. Interestingly this concept often stems from us suffering low self-worth. Taught to us by generations above, it is surprisingly common to feel as if we don’t deserve certain things because we feel we aren’t worthy.
Self-worth is a core belief we possess similarly to any other core belief such as religion. It is different from low self-esteem as it does not fluctuate easily (think good hair day versus bad hair day). It is instead a static mental space where one is so secure within themselves; they know they will be okay if they lost everything (a scary but very powerful space to be).
The seeds of low self-worth are often planted when we are children and continue to grow with dysfunctional adult relationships, where we suffer emotional abuse ranging from not feeling heard, through to being yelled at, severely criticised, or even physically abused. Identifying this is not to necessarily lay blame on our parents, partners, or friends, as they are a product of their own experience, but instead allows us to identify patterns of intergenerational and interpersonal trauma that lay the foundations of low self-worth, so toxic cycles can be broken.
Low self-worth is often developed alongside an inner critic who negates our decisions and tells us we shouldn’t do things because we aren’t worthy. It can also develop as a reflex of receiving criticism from influential figures in our lives and can be hard to turn off. One of the most liberating things we can do to counteract our inner critic is to say DELETE every time it rears its ugly head. Saying it aloud, with conviction is an extremely effective way to diminish its power and allows us to instead turn up the volume on compliments. Sometimes naming our inner critic can further help disconnect from its influence.
When we shift our thinking in this way, we become more positive and allow ourselves to internalise positive feedback. We then start to really respect and love ourselves. We get to know ourselves. We become our own best friend. It then becomes okay to put ourselves first just as we are always told in flights to put our oxygen mask on first. This also allows us to build stronger boundaries and we become happier with more capacity for acts of kindness, as we are no longer stomped on by negativity.
Whether it be cosmetic treatments, going out for that lunch with a friend or eating that piece of cake, being kind to ourselves by silencing our inner critic and welcoming in positivity can be a life changing experience. The warm hug of grace we give ourselves can be just what the Doctor ordered.